``Never shall a young man,Thrown into despair
By those great honey-colored
Ramparts at your ear,
Love you for yourself alone
And not your yellow hair.''
``But I can get a hair-dye
And set such color there,
Brown, or black, or carrot
That young men in despair
May love me for myself alone
And not my yellow hair.''
``I heard an old religious man
But yesternight declare
That he had found a text to prove
That only God, my dear,
Could love you for yourself alone
And not your yellow hair.''
William Butler Yeats
18 October 2008
14 October 2008
When Darkness Comes
It has been a while since I've written.
What's to tell since my last post that the steroids weren't working? As of Thursday it will be three weeks since I got off of them and I am probably worse than when I went on them. My brief attenpt to play volleyball ended. I had no choice but to back up. If my legs and knees are stiff and I'm all wobbly when I walk, what is the point. My pride and the memories of once was limits me. How can one devote ones self to the sport that I devoted myself to for over two and a half decades and am now just a shadow on what I used to be.
Added to my frustration is the fact that upon prescribing the steriods, the neuro said to call if they weren't working out. I called last Tuesday, asked to be put on solumedrol and another round of taper. Nurse called on Wednesday, described that the last course didn't work. I didn't hear back until Thursday. Response: You're just going to have to deal with it.
Which leads to two thoughs: Is it just the myelitis or have I presented? None of the typical symptoms of MS have ever shown up. What does one believe? What does one do? I haven't worked out in a month. I want to go back but . . . my desire to do anything is non-existent. If I don't feel like myself, If I don't feel . . . what's there to do.
Outwardly, I put up a good front, inwardly . . reluctance, depressed, frustrated.
What's to tell since my last post that the steroids weren't working? As of Thursday it will be three weeks since I got off of them and I am probably worse than when I went on them. My brief attenpt to play volleyball ended. I had no choice but to back up. If my legs and knees are stiff and I'm all wobbly when I walk, what is the point. My pride and the memories of once was limits me. How can one devote ones self to the sport that I devoted myself to for over two and a half decades and am now just a shadow on what I used to be.
Added to my frustration is the fact that upon prescribing the steriods, the neuro said to call if they weren't working out. I called last Tuesday, asked to be put on solumedrol and another round of taper. Nurse called on Wednesday, described that the last course didn't work. I didn't hear back until Thursday. Response: You're just going to have to deal with it.
Which leads to two thoughs: Is it just the myelitis or have I presented? None of the typical symptoms of MS have ever shown up. What does one believe? What does one do? I haven't worked out in a month. I want to go back but . . . my desire to do anything is non-existent. If I don't feel like myself, If I don't feel . . . what's there to do.
Outwardly, I put up a good front, inwardly . . reluctance, depressed, frustrated.
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