14 October 2008

When Darkness Comes

It has been a while since I've written.

What's to tell since my last post that the steroids weren't working? As of Thursday it will be three weeks since I got off of them and I am probably worse than when I went on them. My brief attenpt to play volleyball ended. I had no choice but to back up. If my legs and knees are stiff and I'm all wobbly when I walk, what is the point. My pride and the memories of once was limits me. How can one devote ones self to the sport that I devoted myself to for over two and a half decades and am now just a shadow on what I used to be.

Added to my frustration is the fact that upon prescribing the steriods, the neuro said to call if they weren't working out. I called last Tuesday, asked to be put on solumedrol and another round of taper. Nurse called on Wednesday, described that the last course didn't work. I didn't hear back until Thursday. Response: You're just going to have to deal with it.

Which leads to two thoughs: Is it just the myelitis or have I presented? None of the typical symptoms of MS have ever shown up. What does one believe? What does one do? I haven't worked out in a month. I want to go back but . . . my desire to do anything is non-existent. If I don't feel like myself, If I don't feel . . . what's there to do.

Outwardly, I put up a good front, inwardly . . reluctance, depressed, frustrated.

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