22 November 2008

Empty and Black

Since someone was kind enough to respond to a post, I'll answer that first. The basic gist was that this person knew four people that have MS that had mono at an early age and wanted to know if I did. The answer to that is no. It is an interesting statistic though. If there is any correlation, it's not surprising. Autoimmune diseases are ones that put the immune system into overdrive and start causing the body to attack itself. Anything can trigger it or nothing can.

Yes, it's been another long silence since my last entry, but what is there really to say? One day is a mirror image of the last. I wake up, I have to get slowly out of bed or else I'll fall right over. My ankles and knees are so stiff that I look like Frankenstein's monster walking. I go to work and sit in my little cube a shadow of who I used to be. Oh, the flippant remark makes its presence known every now and again, but the quip a second person is missing. It's hard to be what you once were or even attempt to be that person when it's a struggle. Sitting to long makes things stiff again. I come home and and plant me butt down. Every day I tell myself that I need to work out. I need to make myself work out. Then despondency sets in: What good will it do? I can't do cardio without turning into a board. It sucks and I hate this.

I'm lumping in the myelitis and the MS because right now they are one in the same. Obviously when somebody is first diagnosed with something, they read as much as they can about it. It's only natural. I came across one article that was hard to believe at the time and then other articles just affirm what I already know.

MS is an internal disease. There's no outward sighs even though the effects can be seen as a result. When you say you are exhausted it doesn't look like it from the outside. When you say your legs hurt more than normal, nobody can see it. If somebody knows you really well, they can tell by the look on your face with every step you take. But who really pays any attention?

The other thing was how people react to you when you tell them that you have an incurable disease. Reactions can run the gambit: an over-abundance of attention, ignoring the fact entirely and treating you as normal, to total isolation.

I've seen it all. My close friends treat me normally but work around the bad days and put up with it. They let me do what I can and keep an eye on me. Parents treat me like parents: every little thing is monumental. Others ignore it completely and say things could always be worse or look at this person and see what they are going through. Others run screaming. Others give the appearance of concern, but you know they are just putting forth the facade that mean well. Selfish or Selfless.

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