"One small step for Steve . . ."

This past week has been kind of up and down. We've tried this thing at work for the last 18 months that just hasn't work. Probably with all things "corporate" and hierarchical command structures I can make a blanket statement because it probably accurate. We can all watch "Office Space" and find someone we can identify with or something.

With any problem that's "corporate" a group is organized to study the problem and come up with solutions. When that isn't working, another group is started to study the group to find out why they aren't coming up with solutions. In the meantime, another group is started to study the original problem. By this time, the original problem has grown beyond the grasps of those studying the problem and taken on a life of its own. Instead of analyzing what is going on, the powers that be decide that just solve the problem by destroying that which created the problem and coming up with an entire new way. Instead of studying this new way before putting it into action, it's the ol' jump right in method. Which creates a new set of problems which takes us back to the beginning when all these new problems crop up.

When this new system was put into place, it was evident from early on that we had to few people and to much work. Fast forward to now where two teams are fully staffed and the team that I am on is still the same five people. Now add to the mix that all overtime now has to be approved. This lead to a meeting where we were told our processes are not working and we need to change. Big F'ing surprise. I've been saying that for 18 months to know avail.

Now on to the rest of the week. Shots went good. Monday's were typical, Tuesday's achy. Surprising, Wednesday was as well. Friday, I hit a vein and the thing wouldn't stop bleeding. Mangina that I didn't want to be, put on a band aid, then mangina that I really didn't want to be had to rip it off and the multitude of leg hair came with it. Those from my past would have been proud of how many hairs they could have ripped with it. ;-)

I also touch a volleyball for the first time since August. I really had my doubts and still have them. I had been on my feet since 1:00 today. Usually, when I am on my feet for that long, the myelitis really flares up. I did manage to sit down for about 60 minutes before playing and it did help. I wasn't so worried about getting to the ball. I already know that my mobility isn't going to be what it was. Age wise, I may soon to be 36, but I'm probably 50. The thing that scares me the most is hitting. If you can't jump, what's the point of playing a sport where it's a requirement.

With any athlete, there's a double edge sword: if you leave at the top of your game, there's always the question of what might have been; if you leave on the downward spiral, you are always trying to regain what you had and that's not going to happen and people say you should have left earlier.

I know that I haven't been at the top of my game for a while. A volleyball player's prime is between 26 - 28. Looking back on it, mine was between 27 - 30. I won the most tourney's then than all the previous years added up together. I've slowly stepped away from the game and I did it on my terms until this. The sport that's in my heart has been denied to me. I think the hardest thing for an athlete is not to leave on their own terms.

I know I can still play after today, but no where near where I used to be. The question is do I discover a new me in volleyball and erase the memory of what used to be or walk away completely.